Waiting Again

About a month went

by and I thought I was in

a better place with

you. But I sit here

alone wondering what I

said or wrote or did

not say. I own my words and

actions. I wanted us.

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The Forest

You sent me a picture.
Why didn’t you tell me you left?

I do that. Leave without announcement.
I know no one will miss me. They don’t.
No one asks where I am.

So where are you?

There’s elevation in the back of the picture.
The forest of pine trees winds up and down.
Where we live, it’s flat.
Why didn’t you tell me you were going?

Your car is parked off to the side.

Next to the car, a tree. There’s camping equipment. Is this vacation or a break?

When are you coming back?
I didn’t ask any questions.

I just fired off a quick, “have fun!” text.   Because the one place I want to leave I can’t. So I’m going to wait this out until you come of the forest  Wherever that forest is.

And I will be waiting.

 

 

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What Happened? Part 2

Texts don’t convey the necessary information. They don’t replace face to face contact.
So.
I wait.
I wait for a response.
I watch the three little dots.
I see them disappear.
I choose to NOT call.
I assume you need space.
I am stuck in my head with my thoughts.
And I can’t fix the problem.
So.
I wait.
At home.

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What happened?

A year passed without my attention to this blog. I started typing this after reading all my prior posts. My truly amateur writing makes me cringe. I’m home, like the rest of the country and time continues to be a curious aspect. My last two posts still haunt me, I’m not moving ahead on an important decision. I’m starting a new job in the fall (the original reason I started this blog). A recent argument with another showed me a side of myself that I never considered and now I’m convinced I’m wrong about everything. Since June, I successfully planned outings with friends to try to start finding myself again. This mid-40s stuff sucks. Now I’m trying to keep it up virtually. And the one relationship I want isn’t the one I can have.

Time. Energy. Honesty. Deception. Want. Need.

And how to you make changes in a world that isn’t working like you are used to having it work? I guess this just buys me time to figure out my next step. Or mid-step. I’m no longer a good judge of my choices.

Who is in your life forever? What consequences can I live with when I vocalize a decision? Where does one path for me or my children start and another begin? When is the right time to make a change even if there’s a world of hurt that it’s going to cause? Why did I get into this situation in the first place? At which point will I stop revisiting the past? How  do I make everyone happy?

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National Haiku Day Poem, 2019

Unbelievable

To find love so very close

Believe in karma

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Unexpected: Serious Part II

It has been a very long time since I wrote. Here’s a story. Names and places have been changed to protect the innocent.

What do you do? What do you do when you find out that you should have said something? What do you do when you find out that the person you should have said something to was waiting for you to say something?

When is it okay to completely change your path in life? When is it okay to completely change your path in life knowing that it is going to change everyone else’s path, too? When is it okay to completely change your path in live knowing that you can finally get what you have so patiently waited for and never ever thought you would get?

How do you find the strength? How do you find the strength to make a decision that will ultimately make you so very happy but for a time make everyone so very angry? How do you find the strength?

Who loses? Who loses if you don’t take the chance?

Can I be responsible for all the hurt that you are going to cause?

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A short thank you…

I just wanted to say thank you for all of the positive feedback from my writing post earlier in the week. I write and think that I am the only one that reads my essays and poems. I replied to a few comments regarding how encouraging everyone at WordPress is and short of having an online group hug, the thought of so many people writing for themselves gets me in a “good place”. Keep writing when you are moved to do so and I hope that one day I can return a good feeling to you, in the same way that you have given me a good feeling this week.
-WODAAT

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Two Years: Haiku

Two long years went by
What is new? Life seems unchanged
Then I remember.

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Why did I stop?

Why did I stop? I wanted to write. I wanted to connect. I wanted the self-examination that comes with writing and sharing and producing and reflecting. Why did I stop writing? Why did I stop reflecting? Did “life get in the way”? A cliche, but everyone uses the excuse.

Why did I stop? I want to write, to think, to ask questions and to find the answers that only come with devoting time to finding the correct words. The enriching vocabulary that produces the sounds and perfect tone to a piece of meaningful composition. I needed to think. Writing helped me think.

Aha! That is it! That is why I stopped writing! Writing helped! It focused my thoughts and gave me a purpose when I thought that I had none. My job, my loss, my seemingly directionless professional life came into focus. Maybe my writing appeared in different ways, not the blog that was the haiku and the photographs and the short rants. Maybe the resumes and the cover letters and the emails and the proposals and the new connections.

I never stopped writing. Eureka! The thought hugs me. My guilt about neglecting my blog evaporates. I know now, that I did not stop writing. Writing did connect me, it forced my self-examination. My product was not for consumption for this elite band of blog writers. It was for consumption of a band of professional people who are helping to determine the course of my career. The writing was for me, so that I could find a direction and then return to my writing. My writing one day at a time when I need the reflection and the time to think.

Maybe you never stopped writing. Like me, I wrote tonight until I was clear-headed. Neglecting two different tasks that seemed important when I set up on the dining room table with my laptop and hot tea in hand, flannel pants on, flip-flops rubbing the sort-of-clean wood floor beneath my feet.

When will I start looking for a new perspective instead of asking myself why did I stop?

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A few more thoughts….

Three posts in one day? Obvs I am a little cray-cray for Word Press tonight.  

1. Maya Angelou worked with Malcolm X, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, and read at the Inauguration of President Clinton.  I only read one book by Ms. Angelou, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. That being said, I still cannot get over the first fact.  

2. The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt and The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Zafon are fantastic companion books.

3. My 8th graders CAN and DO write fantastic poetry. The best are the sonnets.  

4. Last week, I decided that I may have a t-shirt that has magical powers.  My Team Curtis t-shirt, a reminder of how brain cancer can both destroy a family and connect strangers, centered my thinking, gave me the articulate words I needed and helped me to build a confident presentation.  

5. I hate hearing that people I know are getting a divorce.  

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