I’m Out with Friends

I have a few questions for you. I will never ask you these questions but I will blog them. Why did you call me to let me know you had a new job? When you texted, why did you think of me since you were “out with friends”? What am I again? Why would you text me if you were not gong to give me your full attention? What made you text me last night? Why did the moon remind you of me last night?

I miss you. I will continue to pick up any piece of your life that you throw at me because I do not believe I deserve anything better. I was a blip, a mistake. That is what I heard in our last face to face conversation. I knew you were out of my league 20 years ago when I met you, but I stupidly held out hope and continue to do so. I will not pursue but I will always text back. So keep going out with your friends. But please ask yourself why you think of me when you text that you are “out with friends”.

What not to do

• 1. When I was 24 -don’t say yes to the proposal
• 2. when I was 21 -break up in December don’t stick around
• 3. When you saw him for the first time -talk to him and don’t walk away even though you’re married and he’s engaged-she’s leaving him, he doesn’t know
• 4. when he was transferred don’t stop communication
• 5. When the new fiancée told me I was his favorite-don’t blow it off because she was drunk
• 6. Don’t blame yourself for situations out of your control
• 7. future me-don’t stick around until the kids are older, they like you better anyway
• 8. Don’t doubt when he says he loves you because that’s what people do
• 9. don’t ignore that your husband hasn’t told you he loves you in over four years
• 10. don’t stop remembering that there’s not a timeline for happiness
• 11. don’t ignore that he told you that he compares everyone to you and no one measures up
• 12. don’t pretend to understand when he tells you he doesn’t want your kids

What am I doing?

I’m not sure if I have been making bad choices or I am I questioning my choices. Financial planning is never fun but it’s a necessity. Through a series of recent meetings my SO has had to disclose that he’s been hiding money from me. It’s not all cash but why? And why do I keep going along with this? Oh I know because anything I bring up it’s an overreaction. Bad choice not to engage an US attorney style interrogation or questioning my choice that I have stayed with him because the kids are young. I can imagine my life without him.
And then there’s my alternate life. The one I hide from everyone where I have to steal an hour at a time to see him and watch as his world collapses as he loses his house, his job, his savings struggles with depression and who doesn’t want my kids. Ever. Bad choice to stay involved with this situation that’s been evolving for the last three years or questioning my choice that I got involved in the first place. I can’t imagine not having him in my life. Judge away, I’ve made bad choices. They are mine. Now I’m questioning everything and I am without answers, yet I keep asking questions.

Waiting Again

About a month went

by and I thought I was in

a better place with

you. But I sit here

alone wondering what I

said or wrote or did

not say. I own my words and

actions. I wanted us.

The Forest

You sent me a picture.
Why didn’t you tell me you left?

I do that. Leave without announcement.
I know no one will miss me. They don’t.
No one asks where I am.

So where are you?

There’s elevation in the back of the picture.
The forest of pine trees winds up and down.
Where we live, it’s flat.
Why didn’t you tell me you were going?

Your car is parked off to the side.

Next to the car, a tree. There’s camping equipment. Is this vacation or a break?

When are you coming back?
I didn’t ask any questions.

I just fired off a quick, “have fun!” text.   Because the one place I want to leave I can’t. So I’m going to wait this out until you come of the forest  Wherever that forest is.

And I will be waiting.

 

 

What Happened? Part 2

Texts don’t convey the necessary information. They don’t replace face to face contact.
So.
I wait.
I wait for a response.
I watch the three little dots.
I see them disappear.
I choose to NOT call.
I assume you need space.
I am stuck in my head with my thoughts.
And I can’t fix the problem.
So.
I wait.
At home.

What happened?

A year passed without my attention to this blog. I started typing this after reading all my prior posts. My truly amateur writing makes me cringe. I’m home, like the rest of the country and time continues to be a curious aspect. My last two posts still haunt me, I’m not moving ahead on an important decision. I’m starting a new job in the fall (the original reason I started this blog). A recent argument with another showed me a side of myself that I never considered and now I’m convinced I’m wrong about everything. Since June, I successfully planned outings with friends to try to start finding myself again. This mid-40s stuff sucks. Now I’m trying to keep it up virtually. And the one relationship I want isn’t the one I can have.

Time. Energy. Honesty. Deception. Want. Need.

And how to you make changes in a world that isn’t working like you are used to having it work? I guess this just buys me time to figure out my next step. Or mid-step. I’m no longer a good judge of my choices.

Who is in your life forever? What consequences can I live with when I vocalize a decision? Where does one path for me or my children start and another begin? When is the right time to make a change even if there’s a world of hurt that it’s going to cause? Why did I get into this situation in the first place? At which point will I stop revisiting the past? How  do I make everyone happy?

National Haiku Day Poem, 2019

Unbelievable

To find love so very close

Believe in karma

Unexpected: Serious Part II

It has been a very long time since I wrote. Here’s a story. Names and places have been changed to protect the innocent.

What do you do? What do you do when you find out that you should have said something? What do you do when you find out that the person you should have said something to was waiting for you to say something?

When is it okay to completely change your path in life? When is it okay to completely change your path in life knowing that it is going to change everyone else’s path, too? When is it okay to completely change your path in live knowing that you can finally get what you have so patiently waited for and never ever thought you would get?

How do you find the strength? How do you find the strength to make a decision that will ultimately make you so very happy but for a time make everyone so very angry? How do you find the strength?

Who loses? Who loses if you don’t take the chance?

Can I be responsible for all the hurt that you are going to cause?

A short thank you…

I just wanted to say thank you for all of the positive feedback from my writing post earlier in the week. I write and think that I am the only one that reads my essays and poems. I replied to a few comments regarding how encouraging everyone at WordPress is and short of having an online group hug, the thought of so many people writing for themselves gets me in a “good place”. Keep writing when you are moved to do so and I hope that one day I can return a good feeling to you, in the same way that you have given me a good feeling this week.
-WODAAT